dr. wagner - sobrietary - we aim to disappoint

Election 2008 - Mega Powers Collide

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- In response to the recent endorsement of Barack Obama by professional wrestler and reality T.V. star Hulk Hogan, Randy "Macho Man" Savage endorsed U.S. Senator John McCain's presidential campaign Thursday. Savage, a long-time in-ring rival of Hogan and former world champion, said that his endorsement had nothing to do with the pair's long-time adversarial relationship. "Hogan had nothin' to do with it. John McCain is just the better man, you dig?" said Savage. "McCain will bring the pain for Obama, oooooh yeah!"

On Friday, the Obama campaign released a statement downplaying the Savage endorsement. "If the only endorsement the McCain campaign can get from the world of sports entertainment is someone who only won the world title with the help of Hulk Hogan, then that really speaks volumes about the kind of candidate Senator McCain really is."

In a stunning turn of events Saturday, both of America's major political parties petitioned the Supreme Court of the United States to suspend normal election rules and allow the presidency of the United States to be determined live on Pay-Per-View. An 8-1 ruling by the Supreme Court allowed the suspension, with only Ruth Bader Ginsberg dissenting. In one of the shortest opinions on record, Ginsberg stated simply "Are you [expletive] kidding me?!" Writing for the majority Chief Justice John Roberts wrote "After the questionable results of the elections of 2000 and 2004, this may be the only way to restore dignity and honor to the election process...Also, there will be no rematch clause and any third party candidates who try to interfere will result in an automatic disqualification of the Obama-Hogan team."

On Tuesday, November 4, 2008, Barack Obama with his tag-team partner and vice-presidential candidate Terry "Hulk" Hogan will face off against U.S. Senator John McCain tagging with his newly announced running mate Randy "Macho Man" Savage at the "Great American Bash: Special Election" at the MCI Center in Washington, D.C. President George W. Bush will serve as special referee.

Upon hearing the news of Savage's foray into political endorsements, Hogan was nonplussed. "You know, this dude just has it in for me. Ever since we formed the Mega Powers at Wrestlemania IV, brother, it's like he's wanted to one up me. Let me tell you something, if Savage wants to show everyone how strong his support is then he'll get his chance at the Great American Bash. We'll settle this once and for all, in the squared circle, brother, where there can be no question of who the better man really is."


The Obama campaign has continually stressed they are about change, with highlights including extending healthcare for low-income Americans and bringing an end to the U.S.-lead war in Iraq, but it was Obama's call to allow wrestling championships to change hands on a disqualification or count-out that brought on the Hogan endorsement. "Everyone knows that once a wrestler becomes champ, he can just swing a chair and get himself disqualified. As the rules stand now, that person would cheat and still be the champ. Why are we rewarding the cheaters?" Obama said. "My campaign won't reward cheaters. We want to see everyone have a fair shot."

McCain's platform on the D.Q. is quite different. "That's the thing with liberals, they want to change the rules to make it easier to win. Well, I tell you, the American people want to see a champion who can win by the rules, not someone who whines because it's too hard!" In response to his upcoming main event, the former P.O.W. and Vietnam veteran said he is ready. "I've never backed down from a fight in my life, and I'm not about to start now! You're on, Obama! You wanna dance, let's roll!"

At a rally in San Diego, Savage called the attacks on his endorsement a sign of fear. "If they aren't scared, then why are they so upset? It's because they know that the Macho Man is speaking for the American people, ooooh yeah!" said Savage. "We are on the same page with the American people, and that is why they are shaking in their boots. We're here to fight, so I suggest they put up or shut-up."

Obama appeared Sunday night on CNN's Larry King Live, and host Larry King asked him about his chances against McCain's military experience. "McCain can fight, we all know that. But with all due respect, he's never faced off against a team like Hogan and myself. When I unleash the power of the Barack-Breaker, he'll have no choice but to tap out!" A noticably excited Obama then tossed his chair aside and addressed the camera directly. "What you gonna do, McCain, when the power of Obama is running wild on you, brother?!"

"The Great American Bash - Special Election" will air live on Tuesday, Novemeber 4, at 7 pm. Also, scheduled for the event Senator Ted Kennedy vs. the Ultimate Warrior winner decides the fate of Roe v. Wade, Joe Liberman vs. Al Gore vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in a Triple Threat match with the winner selected U.S. Attorney General, and Vice-President Dick "F-Yourself" Cheney will face off against the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair in a "Defibrilator-On-A-Pole" match. Card subject to change.

posted by Dr. Wagner @ 1:01 PM